This is a question many young Nepali girls would like to ask, but are unable to, when they encounter “seclusion” at the start of their menstruation cycle for the first time. They are unable to comprehend the reason for it, and do not have the courage to question it either. In our society, just like sex, menstruation is still not a very comfortable topic of conversation.
I myself asked questions, but eventually gave up when I was told that this happened to all women, that we are all sick for a few days every month. Then I asked my mother about women becoming ‘untouchable’ for five days every month. I kept questioning her, and she kept avoiding it. Eventually I gave up asking, because I knew she would not be able to answer my questions. Because she herself had never asked her mother. [break]
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Much later in my life, I even joked with my mother, “I am always touching you, because we are standing on the same ground. If you really want me not to touch, you will have to make me float in the air. Can you do that?” She would get annoyed and yell at me, “whatever you do, don’t touch me and my food!” Then she would walk away, and I would laugh, but I respected her stance. By that time, I had understood a lot, and had been searching for my own answers to the predicament women faced for five days each month.
I encountered these questions for the first time forty years ago in Banares, when one of my father’s friends sent his ten year old daughter to our house to stay for a month when she menstruated for the first time. I had no clue whatsoever as to what was happening, and why she was there at my house. My mom told me I had to guide her, talk to her, and answer questions that she might ask.
When I asked my mother why she was there, I found that ‘seclusion’ was a social requirement for every girl. I was annoyed and shocked. I myself had not gone through seclusion because my father was against it. That was when I understood why my mother kept telling me “if someone asks about your seclusion, tell them you spent it at your mamaghar.”
Anyway, at that time the only thing I was concerned about was that a young girl would live at my house for a month, and she would ask me questions. I was not very sure I would be able to answer her questions. One fine morning the young girl posed me a series of questions very politely.
Some of the questions I still remember are “Didi, why am I here? Why can’t I meet my buwa and uncle? Why am I being punished? Am I going to die?” For this young schoolgirl, I was an experienced person going to college, and that too studying science. She expected me to answer all her questions.
I looked at her face. She was trying to be very brave. I was not sure about the answers to other questions, but I was pretty sure that she was not going to die and that she was not being punished. So I told her as much. She beamed as her face broke into a big smile. I was glad at being able to respond to at least some of her questions right away. I promised to answer the rest in a day or two.
At one time I had allowed my own queries to be quelled by the standard “that’s the way it is, don’t ask too many questions” from my mother, but not anymore. Now I needed answers. I vaguely remember asking the questions to my female cousin who was a lecturer at the time.
She had told me that women are secluded because they were not very clean during that period. To avoid embarrassment, they were secluded from the male members. Women then did not know effective ways of managing their menstruation. That made a lot of sense to me. I tried recalling my conversations with her, put two and two together, and came up with plausible answers.
The next day, I answered her first question. I told her that her house did not have enough space to keep her away from her brothers who might bother her with questions she might not be able to respond to.
She saw the logic in that, and said with a laugh, “I myself don’t know the answers, how can I respond to their questions?” She even went ahead and thanked her mom for saving her from that embarrassment. Now it was time for her next question. I wanted to make life easier for her, so I told her that both my father and her father would come to meet her when they had the time. That satisfied her somewhat, but not fully until my father went to meet her. That was when our counseling sessions started.
Each day she had new questions, and I tried my best to answer them. Some questions were simple and logical ones, while others were tough. Those tough questions we would talk about and jointly seek answers.
Most of the questions were related to menstruation management and changes in the body during puberty. Those sessions were really fun and informative, and we both enjoyed them. Looking back, I am glad I was able to satisfactorily answer at least one young girl’s queries. Since then, I have had several opportunities to answer the question “Why is it this way?” I wonder how many of our young ladies are lucky enough to have their questions answered!
The writer is an educationist and children’s writer
usha@pokharel.net
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