I was a good kid, though a little stubborn by nature. But lying, stealing or playing before finishing homework were great sins for me. I feared committing sins. Now, it doesn’t matter. Lies, lies, lies, it just comes out every time. When someone asks me, “How are you?” and even though I’m not well, I simply say, “Fine.”
Well, it’s not just about lying and making tales up but also about some evil thoughts to do prohibited things popping in my brain. I don’t know if it’s curiosity or something else, but I have a secret desire to know even the taboo matters. I can now remember when my innocence started fading, or the unwanted curiosity started rising. It was since the time I started thinking about how I was born. I didn’t know about copulation. How naïve I was!
Well, it isn’t only about adult stuffs. I’ve stopped trusting even my own parents. Before, I only doubted facts – like when my mom said she would bring chocolate, and I knew she would forget it. But now it’s completely different.
I’ve become a pessimist. The more I start understanding things, the more I’m chasing my innocence away. When someone tells me something, I directly go for the intention s/he means by it.
Happiness, sadness, all these emotions come differently. Chocolaty ice-cream is not enough to make my frown turn into a smile. My mom’s cozy lap isn’t the safest place in the world anymore. No one is loyal to their own. Everyone has a motive, and people are much preoccupied with the idea of fulfilling their motives.
So, as my innocence left me, I grew more selfish and self-centered. I started realizing that nothing means much in our life. Everything comes with a price tag.
But I don’t want to be like this. I want to be an optimist, cherishing all the bright sides of life. In this one life of mine, I don’t want to waste it all in unwanted emotions.
Now, if a genie would grant me a wish, saying I could ask for anything to have it back, I would want to reclaim my dear innocence. I want to erase all unnecessary fears, jealousy, ego, curiosity, and be innocent all over again. I want to find the hidden joy in every little thing, and live my life to fullest in the most innocent way!
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