Forty six million people in Europe live by themselves and most Americans now spend half their adult lives living alone. A recent story in The Guardian about the global rise in living alone stated that countries like Sweden have the most number of singletons (47%) and in countries like Brazil, China, and India, the trend of living on your own is on a steady rise. [break]
In Nepal, however, the statistics don’t match up with the western countries nor is the culture on a “steady rise” like that of our neighbors. But the trend does seem to have somehow managed to seep its way into Kathmandu with quite a few young, unmarried men and women choosing to move out of their parents’ home.
Graphics: Sworup Nhasiju
Yes, it is still regarded as abnormal and the ones living alone have to face skepticism from the society and at times their own family who assume there is a hidden agenda to such “rash behavior.”
For them, living alone could mean that you have secretly married or that you want to party all night long and don’t want your parents to know what time you get back or rather whom you bring back home along with you.
But for those who have made the bold move, though coming and going as one pleases might be one of the plus points, there is definitely more to it. As Klinenberg mentions in his book, the move is an “investment in the self.”
It has been two years since Shreeya Basnet, 27, started living alone and she likes it that way. The freedom to come and go as she pleases has not made her reckless as her parents thought it would. Instead, it has instilled in her a sense of responsibility and discipline not by force but by choice.
“I like coming back to my own space at the end of a long day and not having to answer to anyone or make small talk,” says Shreeya who had to trim her spending to afford the rent of the small one-bedroom apartment in Baneshwor.
“It’s definitely challenging but worth every bit,” she adds. A graphic designer by profession, Shreeya also tutors grade 10 students for extra income, now that she has bills to take care of.
But this has not deterred the young lady and she is somewhat become all the more ambitious than ever before.
“I know I’m responsible for myself and can’t depend on my parents. So I’ve become a lot serious in life,” she mentions.
Perhaps the fact that she now has a home that does not clean itself and a laundry pile that does not spit back clean clothes (like it used to when she was living with her parents) has also hammered home the point that living alone also means being responsible along with enjoying its benefits.
The story is the same for Binay Pokhrel, 29, who has been living alone in Kupondol for a little over a year now. The effects are remarkable. Binay, a party freak by his own admission, never reached home before one in the morning when he was living with his parents. He never had a savings account and had to borrow money from his parents and friends at the end of every month.
Now Binay still parties but reaches home by 10 at night and only occasionally stays out as late as midnight. He maintains a savings account after paying rent and taking care of other monthly expenses.
“I’m not as careless as I was before. I think my life’s more structured now that I’ve obligations to fulfill,” says Binay, adding that living alone has injected a lot of responsibilities in his life and he thinks long and hard before doing anything unlike before when everything he did was governed by sheer impulse.
Living alone has also become a life of indulgence for both Shreeya and Binay. From going to bed when the sun comes up to letting unwashed dishes pile in the sink, the list of these simple indulgences is endless.
The quirky and somewhat queer lifestyle of these young people would be difficult for parents to digest, and that is when having their own space becomes a boon. It means being able to live on a whim while being fully aware of one’s responsibilities.
“I know I’ll eventually get around to washing my clothes and doing the dishes. It just isn’t a huge priority anymore. I’ll do it when I have to,” says Shreeya, recalling the time her mother scolded her because she had a few too many used coffee mugs littering her bedroom.
“These trivial things aren’t an issue anymore and I find that without anyone nagging me to do household chores, I do the tasks at my own pace. I’ve learnt a lot that way,” says Binay, adding that he can now whip up a simple meal in less than half an hour and the two-bedroom apartment he rents looks tidier than his bedroom back at his parents ever did.
The biggest hurdle to living alone, however, seems to be our culture that thrives on dependency. Living alone can suggest a rift in the family and hurts the family’s reputation. Hence most parents fret about the society’s response more than anything else when they are informed of their children’s decision to live alone.
For instance, in Shreeya’s case, her parents were reluctant to let her move out. They tried to dissuade her from doing so by reiterating that it would ruin her prospects of getting a good marriage offer.
When she eventually did, her friends congratulated her while her family and relatives maintained an awkward silence.
“They thought I was being rebellious and selfish and didn’t care about my family. It’s still hard to make them understand that the move has made me better as a person because now I feel more in control of myself,” says Shreeya who believes staying alone has made her stronger and more focused.
For Binay, it was difficult to find a space to rent since the owners were not very keen on letting a single man into their homes.
“The owners of the place where I stay now kept asking when my wife would come to take a look at the house while we were negotiating the price,” he says, adding that they took time to decide whether or not to lease him the apartment after realizing he would be living alone.
“I had to convince them that though I had a girlfriend, she wouldn’t be staying with me and I wouldn’t disturb them by hosting noisy parties.”
In a society that is ruled by the belief that there is a lid to every pot – someone for everyone – and you need to settle down by the time you reach your late 20s or early 30s, men and women who break that norm are often misunderstood because the very concept of solo living is unsettling for such a society.
“I don’t think anybody decides to live alone for the wrong reasons. We don’t want to bring back friends or boyfriends/girlfriends every single night and party. We just want a space where we can be ourselves,” shares Shreeya, adding that living alone has improved her relationship with her parents. “I go home almost every week and spend time with them and we’ve come to respect one another a lot more than before.”
Madan Kumar Rimal, Associate Professor of Culture at the Central Department of Tribhuwan University, says that our society does not look at this urban culture as a positive development and is skeptical about those who opt for this kind of lifestyle.
“I wouldn’t call this trend a part of modernization or westernization. It’s an individual choice and there are various reasons as to why people are opting to live alone,” says Rimal, mentioning that young people do not like having restrictions and need a sense of freedom that only living alone can provide.
As sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann says, the shift away from family life to solo lifestyle is a part of the “irresistible momentum of individualism.”
Even for those who are not living alone, this vicarious/vivacious sense of liberation is enticing. Our society has yet to understand this “complex” human behavior but, like it or not, accept it they have to because more and more people seem to be opting for this lifestyle that needs a rejiggering of their definition of culture.
The writer can be reached at cillakhatry@gmail.com
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