He decided what she could wear, whom she could talk to or smile at, where she could go, how often she could meet her friends, how late she could stay out at night, how much money she could spend, what she could eat, and even when she should go to sleep. If she did all that he wanted, then she was rewarded with a smile of approval, an “I love you” and perhaps even a movie date. If she had somehow failed him, as he claimed, then punishment – verbal abuses ending in slaps, punches or kicks – was inevitable.
For Pallavi Tiwari, 32, a computer engineer by profession, the abuse she suffered from her husband is something that has scarred her for life. She had married a classmate from her college days in India after six years of courtship. She confesses to being beaten so often that she soon lost count, besides being subjected to his tyrannical and sarcastic comments on a regular basis. This continued for two years before she finally decided to up and leave.[break]
“He blamed me for the physical and verbal abuses he hurled my way, saying it was always something I did that set him off, and that I should behave properly,” says Pallavi, adding that by “behaving properly,” he meant abiding by his incredulous demands and rules. Though she is now in the process of acquiring a divorce, her eyes glisten with tears when she thinks of all the torments she had to face, that too from a man she had trusted and vowed to spend the rest of her life with.
With news of rape, acid attacks and harassment doing the rounds almost every other day, violence is hardly anything new anymore. We sympathize with the victims, demand the perpetrators be brought to justice, and pray such misfortune may never come upon us. But what do we do about the violence that happens in our daily lives? If you are being abused, do you speak up or take it like it is just another problem that, given time, will sort itself out?
The sad fact is that most of us – however confident and extroverted – choose to keep quiet and bear it for as long as we possibly can. For some, societal stigma and prestige issues kick in. They fear being judged and even blamed. “She must’ve done something to provoke him” being the most common reaction people dish out upon hearing about such episodes. Some don’t want to let their families and friends know and risk getting everybody involved in what they believe they can handle themselves. Others think of it as a passing phase and wait for the abuser to come to his senses. After all, he must really love her to be so affected by her actions and inactions!
Keshab Thoker
Rosy Sharma* strongly believes in that, which is why she is sticking by her boyfriend’s side, as per her own admittance, despite his constant nagging and abuses. Her translucent skin glimmers and her hair cascades in soft waves across her back as she makes her way to work. Dressed in a pair of black jeans with a green top and shouldering a crimson bag too heavy her, she looks like just any other ordinary girl. But Rosy struggles to hide a dark secret and masks her sorrows beneath the veils of smiles that, on a closer look, don’t reach her eyes.
“I don’t discuss my problems with my family or friends. I don’t want them to feel bad. And since he always apologizes profusely after the incidents, I really believe he won’t repeat his mistakes,” says the 23 years old who got into an intimate relationship when she was barely 15 years old with a man four years senior to her. She listened to neither her parents nor her friends when they disapproved of her choice and continued with the relationship, much to their dismay.
Now, when he beats her when they have fights or if he’s in a sour mood, as he has been doing repeatedly in the past three years, she has no one to turn to. But Rosy justifies his actions. According to her, she is someone he is extremely close to and thus his tendency to vent his anger on her is somewhat understandable. Also his possessive nature makes him prone to fits of rage, as Rosy puts it.
“He gets upset when I wear ‘inappropriate’ clothes, or if I talk to someone he doesn’t particularly like,” says Rosy, explaining how those issues lead to fights that ultimately and inevitably lead to violence. Though she confesses that sometimes it gets a bit too much and she wants to call it quits, she always finds herself forgiving him and giving him that “one last chance.”
Many young girls are victims of harassment and abuse, and it continues when the victims themselves find reasons behind it – almost always believing they have elicited such a reaction.
Sushma Mukhiya, a psychologist and relationship counselor, says that while both men and women can be possessive, possessiveness transcends to violence more often in men’s cases.
“Men are more likely to hit women when they are angry. And women are more likely to be silent sufferers of abuse,” says Mukhiya, adding that women are trapped in abusive relationships because of multiple reasons, and the prime reason being the hope that the abusers – their boyfriends or husbands – will stop hitting them someday.
Jeena Rai, 28, has been in an abusive relationship for a year now. Her boyfriend is possessive and likes to control Jeena’s every action. If she defies him, then he is quick to hit her. Jeena puts up with it because she feels everybody is possessive about their partners and there’s nothing wrong with that. As far as the abuse goes, she is sure he will keep his promise and not repeat it – yet again.
Possessiveness, to a certain extent, can be flattering. It can be an expression of concern and love. But when it leads to abuse, it ceases to be so anymore. According to Mukhiya, the false belief that the abuser will one day be hit by a strong sense of remorse and make amends for all the wrongdoings can lead to years and years of violence, and so it is imperative to put an end to it as soon as possible. The longer you let it be, the more it will escalate.
“Your silence will be taken as a sign of weakness and the abuser will start believing he can get away with anything,” she says. Violence gets worse when you rationalize it and find reasons behind the same, when you blame yourself, when you put up with it, and when you do nothing but hope it will pass.
Abuse, in any form, shackles you, traps you, and binds you. It changes your dress sense, your demeanor, your personality, and without realizing it you are no longer the same person. A slap is not just a slap. It is the physical reminder of the fragility of your gender, of a unique fear that plagues one half of humanity far more than it does the other.
If you have been discussing feminism, equality, and female empowerment at coffee shops and in fancy cars while silently putting up with violence within the confines of our own walls, then it is time to put your words to actions. You owe it to the ones who love you, and mostly, you owe it to yourself, to speak up and make it stop.
cillakhatry@gmail.com
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