It's not that such an arrangement wasn't unforeseen or unimagined. The family had been planning the separation for a while. "It has been a long time since my husband and his two brothers have been thinking about going their vown ways. I think they even started the legal procedure to deal with it. We had been mentally preparing ourselves for such a time. It is a bit surprising, though, now that it's happening. But it was because of my father-in-law and mother-in-law, who wanted us to live together with them, that we had been obliging," says Sunaina.
The earthquake became a perfect reason for the family to live separately, citing unsafe dwelling. Sunaina admits that had the situation not been this pressing, there would have been no question of the brothers living on their own. "Taking your share of the family property and living separately is the trend these days, and people do say that it's a lot easier to handle than dealing with the inevitable arguments that can go sour any moment when you live in an extended family. But we were alright until our house sustained cracks. Now none of us want to go live there for obvious reasons. And my in-laws had no choice but to tell their sons and daughter-in-laws to do what they must. So we agreed to go our separate ways," she says.
This divergence of the family members is one of the effects of the earthquakes that have made its presence felt. The first few days, many families' concern was safety and basic necessities like food and shelter. However, now that the aftershocks have receded and things are going back to normal, families are forced to look into this issue.
The earthquake may have left new cracks in structures longstanding and new, but it has also shed light on the old household feuds that have been bottled in or simply ignored. Bishnu Subedi* of Patan, had been living with his wife and two daughters before the disaster forced him to seek refuge in his brother's abode, which was believed to be considerably safer than his as it was constructed not a long time ago. Years ago, the four brothers had decided to live on their own, while their elder brother lived with their old parents, in a house that had seen many years. Now that their old house is completely unsafe to live and needs support to stand, they are at odds on what should be done.
Bishnu is worried about how to make things going for them. "We lived with my brother for a few days after the May 12 earthquake. Now that we've come back to our own house, we don't know what to do. The house my parents lived in with my brother is completely damaged, and economically it'll be difficult to build another one. We have no place to keep another person in our house, and though I'd be really happy to have them here, it would be challenging to live in such a small space," he says.
"Things are going to change for us," Romi*, Bishnu's eldest says, who has seen more than her share of family disagreements taking place when they all used to live together previously, adding, "I don't think I'm going to like it one bit."
It won't be just a room they'll be sharing, after all—they'll have to share their kitchen, bedrooms, dining room, living room and every corner of the home that they had had for themselves before. And it isn't just the talk of space; will the once separated family be able to adapt into this new environment and live without breaking down? "My grandparents aren't that bad, but my uncles tend to be a lot stricter than my parents are. Even though I've finished college and have started working, they still treat me like a minor. They might not agree with a lot of things I do, they might think that my parents raised me wrong, which is not the case," Romi says. It is where she had been taking solace on their small family, and where she will have to deal with the issue, much like her father.
It is evident that the family members need to deal with issues until any other solution is brought forth. Their one saving grace might be that all the family members know that this issue can't be ignored, and finding a way out where all of them accept is important.
This convergence of kin might not exactly be pleasant, but at least Bishnu and his family are dealing with the matter. Karishma*, who came to Kathmandu with her maternal uncle and aunt from Nuwakot three weeks after the first earthquake, has a huge responsibility on her shoulder.
On April 25, her uncle hurt both his legs badly when he tried to run for life. As her cousins are too small to take care of their father, she decided to help her aunt bring him to the capital and oversee his medical treatment. The cut her uncle sustained is deep and it hurts him badly. While the nurses dressed his wounds the other day, Karishma saw her uncle cry and she longed to comfort him. Her aunt hasn't exactly been able to help her, because she is lost in her own sorrows. "My uncle lost his house and everything that was in it. They left the kids to his old parents, and came to her for the medical help. My aunt is just worried," she says, providing an excuse for her aunt.
The event has, in a way, changed her from who she was before. Barely in her twenties, Karishma takes several trips to the pharmacy to get medicines and labs reports for him and tries to make sure that her uncle and aunt are not hungry. The latter has proven to be most difficult. But she isn't giving up. As they've already come to Kathmandu, she wants to make sure that her uncle is well again before she leads her normal life of going to school and helping her parents in the chores.
This change in the family role will not be a lone occurrence. After shaking our homes and hearts, it seems, the earthquake will also alter family relations of many. The changing family dynamics post-disaster possesses the power to push a functional family into dysfuctional, and viceversa. It remains to be seen how the actors will play out their roles and where they will turn their family relationship.
*names changed
sachimulmi@gmail.com
Related story
The Storm Across the Himalayas: Nepal’s Tangled Relationship wi...
