A journey inside my ‘self’ from late teens to 20s

Although I had thought otherwise, I was strong then. I went through difficult times, and I blamed myself for every wrong thing that ever happened in my life. I noticed every small mistake I made and ignored the blunders committed upon me. I considered myself weak and fragile. I thought I was not enough – not beautiful, caring, intelligent and witty enough for good things to happen to me.

I let myself get mentally weak, negativity devour my very being, and ruin my physical health. Every time I stood next to a smart person, I felt like I was sinking deep inside the earth. And I told everyone I communicated with back then that I feel like the most worthless person on earth. "I feel like the ugliest girl here," "I'm the dumbest of them all," "I have the worst sense of humor,"...things like these. And for someone that mentally weak, I wish I was told they weren't true. I wish I had had the privilege of hearing "You are wrong."The condition was so bad that I had almost stopped communicating at home. If something had to be told, I would text them when I was outside. I didn't see any point in discussing things when I wasn't understood.

I looked on the mirror – I WAS very ugly. I wore spectacles, my hair was short and unhealthy, my face was not "clear", and I had a very bad sense of dressing up. When girls my age were upping their style game every passing day, I would hardly brush my hair and was scared of bringing an eye pencil anywhere near my eyes. I also constantly felt that I was incapable of doing anything. I was pretty sure that I would never be anything in life. After all, what did I have? No talent, no skill, no nothing! I felt worthless. I felt so much pain.

I never thought I would ever be a happy and smart person. How can you ever get rid of so much pain? Some people got away with the pain by cutting their wrists open, but I was still scared of blood. Some people said such state of mind hampered their studies and couldn't concentrate on anything when they felt pain so intense. But I still understood soil mechanics and surveying. What is the maximum intensity of pain that one can tolerate?

Then I did what I could do. Nothing.

I let the ones who wanted to hurt me, hurt me. Not that I ever did much, but then I stopped thinking about myself completely. And in the place that hurt so much, after I let my guard down, I went completely numb. However, the pain is not the worst thing—it is the numbness.

Well maybe after such a long phase of nothingness, people consider taking their own life. Would death really be liberating? I wonder.

Five minutes after this thought crossed my mind, I realized how much I wanted to live, do and become. I cried. I always viewed crying as a sign of weakness, but after I broke down, the numbness gradually faded, and I started feeling again. I cried every night, and thought how all of this fragility accumulated in a matter of just months or a year or two. How was my life better before that? I started to search for the answer.

One of the most important things in life is recognition. A simple nod of approval or an encouraging statement like "You are worth it" from a person close to you is sacred, to say the least. Being understood, recognized and cared for is everything. People we keep surrounded ourselves with are what matter the most. Fortunately, for me, at the point of my mental breakdown I found people I trusted that recognized me to gradually place my life and priorities in order.

I started to face my fears. I started to do everything that would change the way I felt about myself. I learnt to embrace my face, hair and body. I picked up on old hobbies. The few years were excruciating, but now I have learnt to be independent and strong. I look on the mirror and I no longer see the ugly girl staring back at me. I no longer feel worthless and I can make a few jokes today.

I always thought that we are made up of the pieces of people around us and the things that happen to us. But I have now understood that we are not the things that happen to us; we are what remains after everything happens. And I will forever be picky of the energy I surround myself with, because I can't afford to let another bit of negative energy wear me down. Above all, I have realized how important it is to feel that I am 'something.' That I can do anything I set my heart in to. That I am worthy of something, everything.

Sameeksha is an undergraduate student of Civil Engineering at the Institute of Engineering, Pulchowk Campus, in Lalitpur.

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