Minerva Sharma, 19, a recent +2 graduate, feels she missed out of life while pursuing random goals.[break]
“I was good in studies and sports. I participated in the school plays and cultural events. I did everything,” says Minarva, adding that in retrospect she now feels she overdid things just to outshine others and felt short on things that really mattered, like making good friends and generally enjoying her school life.
There are two kinds of overachieving: the healthy kind, for which you can’t stop doing what you love because you enjoy it so much, and the unhealthy kind, for which you stack up accomplishments to please someone else.
“Of the many things I did, most don’t mean a thing to me anymore. In hindsight, I just lost out on precious time. I should’ve focused on some things instead of everything and that would’ve made me a more goal-oriented person rather than an all-rounder with no particular aim,” says Minerva whose parents are immensely proud of her but continue to push her to do more.
Minerva, however, doesn’t understand what “more” she could do. As she prepares for her SAT exams, she’s constantly hounded by pressure and queries about what she wants to do in life and when she’s going to get around to doing it. The fact that she’s studying for her SATs doesn’t mean a thing to her parents who want her to be achieving something this very minute.
Over-involvement of anxious and constantly hovering parents in their children’s lives, and the pressure to excel, are producing young people who feel their best is never good enough. This kind of attitude is seriously detrimental to those who are already pushed to their limits.
Saurav Basnet, 11, a grade six student, studies for at least four hours a day after getting back from school and completing his assignments. On weekends, he plays tennis and takes swimming lessons. Occasionally, he even has a private tutor who comes to teach him to play the keyboard. He hardly has a single minute to spare as he rushes from one event to the next, day after day.
“I’m very tired by the day’s end and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow,” says Saurav, adding that he doesn’t look forward to weekends like other kids because weekends mean more activity and hardly any rest.
Barsha Pradhan, 13, who studies in grade eight, also has a similar story to tell. She’s actively involved in her school drama team, debate team and the sports team. Though she’s not all that into sports, she chooses to participate to please her father who was the sports team captain during his school years.
“I don’t like outdoor sports very much but I feel this is something I have to do. It makes my dad very happy. I admit I’m not very good at basketball but I’m practicing,” says Barsha.
Her teachers, on the other hand, feel that she’s wasting her time in sports when she could be pursuing something she’s much better in. The fact that she’s not very good at sports has taken its toll on her and she looks very haggard and tired during her classes as she practices too hard and for too long.
“There seems to be something on her mind. Though she does fabulously well at exams, she doesn’t seem very alert during classes. She looks
somewhat lost and sad,” says Rita Maharjan, Barsha’s science teacher, who believes that stress and mental exhaustion are the culprits for Barsha’s changed demeanor.
Children today are overscheduled, grade-obsessed and under enormous pressure to land at the right college. Anxiety and depression are soaring among kids, including high achievers who believe they’re only as good as their last success. There are too many families out there who dangerously assume that high-achieving, talented or ambitious students are inherently content, confident and issue-free.
The result: A generation of kids and young adults who are afraid of failure, who engage in dangerous behavior in order to cope with stress they don’t
understand, or who don’t know how to navigate through life without their parents’ guidance.
Samjhana Thapa* (name changed), 16, who recently sat for her SLC exams, has already started taking tuitions to prepare for her +2 entrance exams at St. Xavier’s College. An outstanding student throughout her school years, she’s been groomed with a set plan – study science at St. Xavier’s College for two years and then apply for scholarship to medical schools.
The fact that Samjhana smokes and frequents pubs to drink with her friends might come as a surprise, but this is the only way how she’s been able to cope with stress and the constant need to be at the top of things, according to her own admittance.
“Today’s parents feel the need push their kids more than ever because of competition and increased emphasis on success,” says Sushma Mukhiya, a psychologist who has been counseling family members on raising kids for over a decade. “The notion that you aren’t good enough unless you’re the best and excel in all fields has brought about behavioral changes in many children these days,” she adds.
Children need to know that behind their labels, it’s okay to be directionless and scared, and it’s also okay not to want to pursue the fields for which they have been recognized for their accomplishments in school. They should be encouraged to dabble in new things without worrying about how these experiments would look on a resume.
“No one can be good at everything. As parents and teachers, one needs to identify what the child excels at and where his or her interests lie and then motivate them accordingly,” says Sushma, stressing that the pursuit of perfection can be more harmful than beneficial in the long run.
“The important thing is to find a balance between striving to attain a goal and overdoing things,” she says.
Overachieving is not worth the price you pay to look good on paper. It’s not worth missing out on actually living your life in favor of racking up another highlight on the curriculum vitae. It’s time to rethink priorities and not constantly fret about being considered the best – by parents, teachers and students alike. It’s imperative that we all understand that there’s an enormous difference between resume and identity; and while striving to craft an impressive resume, one shouldn’t forget about their unique identity.
Vicarious living
Sunita Gurung, 46, lawyer-turned-housewife, wanted to study medicine. But her grades weren’t good enough, and her family, too, didn’t have sufficient funds to send her to medical college. Twenty-five years later, though, her dreams finally came true. She sent her eldest daughter to Bangladesh to pursue MBBS.
“She’s in her second year now. Sometimes, I’ve to pinch myself to believe that,” says the proud mother, adding that she’s very happy that her daughter will soon be a doctor. “I couldn’t be one but this more than makes up for it,” she adds.
Pratigya Gurung, 20, Sunita’s daughter, however, wanted to study engineering. She admits that her mother visited many educational consultancies and finally chose a college for her to attend after she failed to clear the medical entrance exams in Nepal, the forms of which were filled in by Sunita herself.
In the book, “Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success,” psychologist and author Madeline Levine says that parents are preoccupied with “a narrow and shortsighted vision of success” and that they rely on their children to “provide status and meaning in their lives.”
According to Levine, it’s a harmful combination, weighing kids down with serious issues. Children end up stressed, depressed, anxious, and withdrawn. They also end up with poor coping skills, and have an unhealthy reliance on others for support and direction, resulting in a weak sense of self.
“I’m pursuing the course but I don’t like the subjects I have to study. The plan I had for myself was to study computer engineering,” says Pratigya who went along with what her mother chose but ended up being quite miserable and frustrated by the end of the first semester.
Pratigya now regrets not having stood her ground, or at least voicing her opinion. She feels, after two years of medical school, it’s now too late to turn back. She’s further saddened when her mother turns a deaf ear to her woes.
Sunita, on the other hand, brushes aside her daughter’s complaints, mentioning it’s just the college pressure getting to her, and that she’ll soon adjust and be completely happy. The fact that Pratigya, an above-average student throughout her school years, barely passes her exams in college doesn’t seem to have the needed effects on her mother.
“Medicine is a tough subject and it’s the first time Pratigya has been away from home. So some adjustment issues are likely to crop up. In time, I’m certain she’ll get over the issues and start doing brilliantly as well as enjoying the course. After all, she’s always been a bright student,” says Sunita.
Parents generally are the worst judges of their children’s abilities. Their emotional investment clouds their judgment and blinds them from seeing that their child may not be gifted in a certain area. Instead of identifying this lack of ability, some parents push harder and end up shoving their child a bit too far.
Bikash Dhungana, 21, is another example of how parents push their kids to take up things they don’t have the aptitude for. Bikash recently dropped out of college. After eight months of studying architectural engineering in Delhi, he ran away from college and came home. His parents were appalled by what they thought was an impulsive decision, but for Bikash, it was a move he made after thinking long and hard.
“I wanted to study business. My heart just wasn’t in the course I was enrolled in,” he says, adding that he has already wasted precious years, and now has to wait another year to get enrolled in a college of his choice. Bikash, too, was coerced by his father to take up engineering since he comes from a lineage of engineers, his grandfather and father both being architects.
“I know my parents aren’t happy with me at the moment, but at least, I won’t have to live my life stuck with something I have no interest in,” Bikash explains, adding that his father hasn’t said a word to him in the four months since he’s been back.
As parents, it’s natural to want the best for their children. They want their offspring to succeed in school as well as in life. It’s also natural to think they know what’s best for their children. And, it’s not a new thing for parents, either, to be measuring their own success through their children. In today’s success-driven society, it’s easier than ever to get caught up in wondering how one’s child measures up to his or her peers.
“As parents, we should try to teach kids to be resilient and independent if we really want them to succeed in life and also let them take their own decisions instead of forcing ours on them,” says Mamta Dhungana, Bikash’s mother who had somewhat realized what a grave mistake they had made seeing her only son look lost and withdrawn during the midterm break.
Mamta admits that one of the reasons behind sending Bikash to an engineering college in Delhi was because most people they knew had sent their children to reputed medical and engineering colleges in India and abroad.
“I didn’t want to say no to them, fearing I might disappoint them. But I was so unhappy that I chose to return,” says Bikash as Mamta quickly adds, “Parents need to push their children but also need to realize their limits and understand when to step back. Also, one of the worst things you can do to your children is compare them with others their age and then push them to excel at all costs.”
A little push might be helpful in some areas. But if parents go overboard, the consequences can be harmful to their children who might feel that their parents’ love and concerns are directly proportional to their achievements. Being a loving, concerned, involved parent isn’t the same as living vicariously through a child. Respecting one’s children’s choices and differences is the key to raising them in ways whereby they will grow up to become content, strong and independent individuals.
cillakhatry@gmail.com
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